My cat's heinie

 The lines of communication should always be open between you and your children.  If you establish an ongoing dialogue from the very beginning, your children will feel comfortable coming to you with questions as they get older.  It's important not to shy away from talking about difficult topics, even when they are young- you can lay the ground work and tell them how you feel in an age appropriate way.

Which brings me to my cat's heinie...

Our older son has been desperate for a pet for YEARS.  He's allergic.  He researched, and researched finally discovering that he could have a hairless cat...a Sphynx.  (Think Mr. Bigglesworth) 

So his grandfather indulged him for his eighth birthday earlier this month with an eleven month old Sphynx named Summer.  Apparently she was a great deal because she had just had a litter of kittens.

So Summer came with teats.  We took out a book from the library to learn more about cat's.

Page 1- the cat in the book has babies...

My son looks at me and ask, "Mom, where did the babies come out of Summer?"

I asked him where he thought they came out of her.

"Her butt."

Now that's when I realized that even when you have this ongoing dialogue with your kids, sometimes things still fall through the cracks!

I called for my five year old to join our conversation.  I asked him what part of the body do babies come out of?

"The vagina," he said, with a grin.

So therefore, I prompted, what part of Summer's body did her kittens come out of?

"I guess her vagina- do cats have a vagina?"

Aha! 

And so the conversation began.  We talked all about different animals, how they all have babies- and mostly in the same way. 

My older son wanted to see Summer's behind- he had never noticed that she had "more than one hole!"

Clearly, discovering that his cat had a vagina was the highlight of his week- he tells everyone that comes over...

"What's the big mystery?  It's my vagina, not the sphinx!"  Miranda- Sex and the City

Here comes the bride, all dressed in...Costco?

I understand that women do weddings on all sorts of budgets, and that's okay.  I have no issues with having a small wedding, or buying a less expensive dress.  With the economy the way it these days, I think spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on an event that last six hours is frivolous.

On the other hand...it is your wedding dress!  A dress that you will be photographed in, a dress that you may even hand down to your daughter.

I have a hard time picturing buying my dress, for the very special day, in the same warehouse where I can purchase a casket.

Can you imagine dropping you car off to have your tires rotated while you look at dresses?  And where are you changing?  Behind the mattresses and vacuum cleaners?  And oh, while you hem it, I'll go grab some lawn furniture and a wheel of cheese...

PS  No carts allowed in the bridal area.

"Isn't she beautiful?"
"Scarlett, you're blind, she looks like a big meringue."  Four Weddings and a Funeral

Keeping the Spark Alive

Why do couples today have such a hard time keeping the passion alive?

Have we become victims of the modern world?  Shorter work weeks, living longer lives- do we simply have too much time to spend together- too much time to grate on each others nerves?

 One hundred years ago, the average life expectancy for a white male was 48 years and for a white female it was 51 years.

Even if they were married as teenagers, they knew that on average they only had thirty years together.

The average work week included six, twelve hour days with one day left over for worship and rest.

With so much time apart, who had the energy to fight?


Today that's a different story.  We have a lot of downtime.  Time that we fill with one another.  Time that when we were dating, we spent dreamily lusting for our partners, but now that we're married with children we often spend dreaming of a good nap.

So what are the best ways to keep that spark alive when you start to feel it wain?

1.  Don't let the kids sleep in your bed- this is a surefire way to make sure that you're not going to have any sex or true intimacy.  Now, we've all fallen into this trap from time to time, but you have to put your husband and his needs first once in a while (that's when you'll remember that you have needs too)!

2.  Change up the routine.  Sometimes sex becomes like a well choreographed dance- surprise him by doing something different.  You initiate.

3.  Take a walk together- exercise helps to boost the libido.  Now that the weather is starting to get warm again, it's the perfect time to start walking in the evenings (yes, you can bring the kids along).  This is a great opportunity to connect.  You can hold hands, talk and there are not the same old distractions that you'll find inside the house.


4.  Have dinner just the two of you (no kids, no cell phones, no tv).  Sometimes a date night is out of the question- so here's the deal... Feed the kids and put them to bed.  Then have dinner with your husband.  Eat at the table, take your time.  Enjoy a glass of wine.  Clean up together.

5.  Communicate.  It's important to remember that no matter how long you've been married, he's not a mind reader.  Tell him what you are thinking, don't assume that he already knows.  (this goes for in the bedroom as well)

"Women have a wonderful instinct about things.  They can discover everything except the obvious."  Oscar Wilde

March Madness

So I have to ask the women out there- what bizarre sports rituals do your husbands perform or superstitions do they conjure up to help their teams achieve victory?

11PM, my husband's alma mater is way down at half time- off comes the 25 year old college sweatshirt, and out of his closet comes a relic from the past.  A long sleeve, faded shirt- a NCAA shirt from 1984 that took his team all the way to the semis- and he wore that day.  As he goes to pull it on, he looks at a stain- blood, he comments, and pries it on over his head.

This shirt now almost thirty years old, yellowing from too many washes, is so tight on him that I cannot believe it's even gone on over his head.  The sleeves are strangling his wrists.  And worst of all...man boobs.  This shirt is so tight, it makes me dear husband look like he needs a mansiere!

Now what drives a man to wear a garment like this?  Does he really believe that his wearing this dingy old tee shirt from his past will make the difference?

I have to ask all the men, why don't they bring out their special shirts, mugs, hats and whatever else they cherish to help their teams win and wear it when it really counts?

I didn't see my husband wear this shirt in the delivery room, or on any of the days when our children were going in for surgery.  Didn't we need their prayers then?

Do these garments only hold special powers exclusively for their home teams?

What's the deal?

"The general root of superstition is that men observe when things hit, and not when they miss; and commit to memory the one, and forget and pass over the other."  Frances Bacon

Spring into fashion faux pas

This weekend will bring the official arrival of Spring!  I'm so ready for the warm weather, but with the rise in temperature comes the rise in hem lines.

As a mom, I always find spring and summer a difficult season to navigate.  I also find it a great time of year to gawk at others who absently stumble into their closets with blindfolds on!

Here's the thing about warm weather, less isn't always more on a mom.  There is A LOT of bending over and little hands pulling on your attire when you have children, therefore appropriate coverage is important at all times or folks will get a peep show- and Ladies, I don't travel with a pole.

So let's just put it all out there.  Or should I say, DON'T put it all out there!

Keep your muffin top covered up.  What exactly does that mean you ask???  Well, during the warm weather months, that means no low rise white jeans and no bikinis...

Ladies, in this case more clothes are better.  I'm not saying that you have to buy "Mom Jeans"- but at least purchase a shirt that hits your hips.  On that point, a lesson- your waist (your real, actual waist) is where your belly button is- not where your ass crack starts.

What is up with jeans today?  I see people bending over all the time, and all I want to say is, "hey there, TMI!"

Oh, and a one piece bathing suit for sure.  Unless you have time for the gym and great abs- but let's be honest- who does?  When I'm at the beach or the pool I'm busy digging in the sand or throwing my kids around in the water- the last thing I want is a fashion malfunction with my skimpy two piece suit.  Bikinis are reserved for laying out with my girlfriends when the kids are in camp (again, like that EVER happens, lol) otherwise I advise that you opt for a more mom-friendly option.

FYI, this goes for Dads too.  Skimpy bathing suits on men, ewww gross!  No banana hammocks!

And NO SOCKS WITH SANDLES.  This goes for men and women.  Please!

Finally, and I feel compelled to say this.  Tis the time of year to landscape.  If you have the body to rock a bikini, go to town.  If you are more conservative and you plan to stick with a one piece or tankini, more power to you.  Either way, I implore you to take care of business before rocking your sundress or swimsuit...shave your legs ladies, and whatever other areas may be exposed poolside.  It's just NOT right otherwise.

"A man will go to war, fight and die for his country.  But he won't get a bikini wax."  Rita Rudner

Leave it in the Past- What it means to be over 30...

There are just some things that are NOT okay when you're over the age of thirty.  I'll admit that from time to time even I have been guilty of some of these, but others I find truly inexcusable.

So here is my rant.

Showing panty lines- this goes for showing off thong lines sticking out above your jeans on panty lines lines around your ass because you don't have the sense to put on a thong- I mean really- know when to wear the right kind of undergarment, and realize that it's not appropriate for the rest of the world to see it.

This goes for showing your bra straps as well.

And see through shirts are NOT okay.

Oh- and yes, when you are over the age of thirty you should ALWAYS wear a bra when you leave the house.

You should not leave your house in your pj's.  (Confession #1, I can be guilty of driving my children to school in my pj's on days when I've had chemo and I know I going to come home and get right back into bed- but in my defense I never get out of the car, and I have a very long winter coat over them, AND there is a drop off line).

You should not go anywhere with your hair in rollers- I mean really!

You should not wear stockings with socks and sneakers to work- even if you plan to change- today they do make comfy flats.

It is NOT okay to make out in public anymore.

It is not okay to share intimate details about your husband- unless you write a blog and have his permission.

You should not forget to wash your face every night and floss your teeth every day.

Not get a pap smear every year.

Do not eat fast food more than once a month.

Call her husband or boyfriend a weird made up name in public like "cuddle bear."

Not save money each month- I'm guilty of this...

Stop getting tattoos and more holes in your body.

Stop showing up for work hungover.

Stop spending money on clothes that you cannot afford (ouch that one hurts).

I'm sure that there are more, and I'm happy to hear any suggestions- so keep on adding to the list.  Sometimes getting older can be a drag, and other days I can't believe that I didn't start sooner.

"Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty."  Robert Frost

News from Peru

As far as days of the week go, Monday and Friday mornings tend to be the hardest in our house.

Mondays because the kids are worse for the wear after a long weekend of sports, junk food from dad, too much television and not enough sleep.  Fridays because they are pooped after a long week of school, homework and listening to me bitch.

This morning was no different except that I was feeling less than miserable.  Four days of chemo this week, up half the night getting sick and I wasn't able to drag my ass out of bed.

Thank god my husband had returned from his business trip!  He volunteer to take the lead with the kids this morning, as I lagged behind.

I flipped on the television (my babysitter on a day like today) when the footage flashed live from Japan.

I sat, transfixed next to my five year old.  I was torn- we only have one television set in our house- should I allow him to see footage of the Tsunami wave rip through this city?

We watched for a few more minutes while I explained what had happened, the earthquake, the wave- the danger that awaited Hawaii and eventually maybe even parts of the west coast.  He listened intently, then he said, "Can I watch my show now?"

When I picked the boys up from school today, I wondered what, if anything they might have said in their classrooms.

I flashed back to the day when I was rushed in from the playground to watch the footage of the Challenge Space Shuttle exploding only thirty seconds after takeoff.  That image, permanently engrained in my brain along with the loss of Christa McAuliffe.

My boys chatted on about the tectonics of plates under the water, and under water volcanic activity.  They had learned that earthquakes were more common in certain parts of the world, and that made them feel safer living here.

Here is where is gets weird...

My eight years old chimes in, "well, at least we're safe until 2012- that's when the world as we know it is coming to an end."

WTF. 

"Yeah, that what Joey says.  He's from Peru.  They have some special calendar or something, and it predicted all these earthquakes and waves and stuff.  By next year, around Christmas, millions of people will be dead.  It's like the world will be starting over- isn't that crazy!  Joey was telling our whole class about it today!"

You have got to be kidding me.  What kind of teacher lets some 2nd grader get up and teach other kids about Mayan prophecies?  I'm amazed that I made it home without turning the car around and storming into the principals office!

Deep breath. 

Crap.  Crap.  Crap.




"Due to the lack of experienced trumpeters, the end of the world has been postponed for three weeks," author unknown

Welcome to the Dollhouse...

I hate to admit it, but I was a fan of Barbie growing up.

The youngest of three brothers, my Dream House was truly my escape. 

Yesterday Barbie turned 52, and thanks to Botox she looks exactly the same...tall, blonde and her boobs are as perky as they were in the early eighties when she resided in my basement- WTF!

I'll admit that Barbie allotted me hours of fun, and it beat watching television- which was a big no no in my house.  It was a chance to grow my imagination.

But I have to ask, when is Mattel going to make some adjustments- bigger ones than they have.

Looking back on my years in our basement with Barbie, I realize how she planted the early seeds of envy in my life.  A yearning for things my family didn't have, and my body wouldn't.

Where was my flowing blonde hair and Corvette?  My posse of beautiful friends and designer clothes? 

And her body!  Puh-leeze.

No girl should grow up dressing and undressing those plastic boobs all afternoon- talk about self esteem issues!

In truth, I have to thank Barbie for some good times we shared together...but to Mattel I have this to say:
Barbie is 52.  Before she was "Barbie" she was Lily, a German doll sold to men as a gag gift in adult stores.  Today, Mattel still sells Barbie in her lingerie, but now they sell her to little girls- little girls who want to grow up and look just like her, but never will.  Instead, some will become women who will pay for plastic surgery thinking that this is what men expect us to look like.

"It's Barbie's world.  We just play in it,"  Mattel

On the road again

My husband is on a business trip this week.

When our kids were babies, I used to dread it when he would travel.  It meant that I was changing all of the diapers, doing all of the baths, and the only one waking up in the middle of the night.  I couldn't wait for him to return.

Talk about absence makes the heart grow fonder!  I totally appreciated everything he did.

Last night was his first night away in a very long time.

Boy was it an eye opener!

I told the kids to get undressed...and they did!  I told them to brush their teeth...and they did.  I told them to get in bed...and they did.

Why, you ask.  Because they didn't have daddy around to beg for another five minutes of tv- or another chapter, or a glass of water!

My night was so peaceful.

I slept ALONE, in my own bed.  It was HEAVEN!!!!

Nobody woke me with their snoring, or their kicking.

My children came downstairs, and they were dressed!  I'll ignore the fact that my five year old was wearing the same shirt that he wore yesterday, but they were dressed!
Normally, they would wait for daddy to do it for them!

I'm thinking that daddy should take more business trips!

How else are my children going to grow up?  Learn independence?  Go to college?

My oldest son just turned eight- I had to tell my husband that on the weekends he is no longer allowed to wipe his ass anymore! 

OMG.  CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT??? 

My son wipes his own butt all week long, but come Saturday, he yells, "DADDY," from the bathroom.  And what's even more fucked up is the fact that my husband comes running!

Unreal.




“Every father should remember that one day his son will follow his example instead of his advice." author unknown

Sheen it all before

I'm so sick of hearing about Charlie Sheen.

His crazy rants are all over the television and radio, and it seems like America just can't get enough.

Before long he'll be frothing at the mouth and rabid.

In all honestly, I truly feel sorry for his children- all FIVE of them!

Why is our society so obsessed with celebrity?  And so super obsessed with celebrity gone wrong!

It's not natural for these people to make so much money, and work so little.  They are so bored, it's no wonder that they are driven to a life of drinking and drugs.

Other so called "A listers" have taken it one step further to stealing for amusement.

Somehow breaking the ten commandments, seems to come with the territory.

Adultery- sure.  Lying- absolutely!  Purchasing sex- just nasty.

These are not the role models that I want my children to grow up with!  Spoiled young actors who can't take no for an answer.  A legal system who doesn't punish them.

It sheens like a whole lot of bullshit to me.

"If only the sun drenched celebrities are being noticed and worshiped, then our children are going to have a tough time seeing the value in the shadows, where the thinkers, probers and scientists and keeping society together."  Rita Dove

Another day older

My so called baby, my first born, turned eight today.

I'm not really sure how that happened.

It feels like only a year or two ago that I was in a hospital room, pushing- pushing for hours- praying that he was going to be okay. 

I was only 32 weeks and 6 days into my first pregnancy.  I had been on full bed rest since my 15th week.  My mantra had become, just one more day...one more day.

After a day and half of labor, he arrived.  I barely caught a glimpse of him before he was rushed to the NICU.

Within one week, I was bringing him home.

And today...today was a perfect day.  He raced downstairs to open he presents first thing in the morning.  He brought homemade cupcakes for his class to enjoy- the report was that the were the best they'd ever had.

He spent the afternoon assembling his new lego sets.

So happy birth day, eight years later. 

"Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body."  Elizabeth Stone